The Olympic Beacon
On Saturday 17 August 2013, an array of honed athletes from distant lands gathered at Victoria Park, drawn together by the unmistakable glow of the Olympic Beacon, the luminous green short shorts.
The Games were contested by the mighty nations of Trinidad & Tobago, Monaco, and Oz, and crowds soon gathered to watch battle commence. Some may say that the ‘crowds’ were limited to a solitary seven year old girl and her dog, with the girl sufficiently underwhelmed as a spectator that she laid down an open challenge in the skipping rope event.
The competing nations humoured her with a guest appearance, only for the girl to sweep aside several seasoned contenders at a canter. It was quietly agreed that this shall not be spoken of again, or, if it is, that the outcome shall be put down to the combined effects of an uneven running track, faulty skipping ropes, and brazen witchcraft.
A small child about to gleefully kick your arse
The skipping rope race was one of a handful of new events, including arm-wrestling and the shot put, as the organisers sought to liven things up and find creative new ways to injure and disable the athletes. These attempts can be considered a partial success given Dan’s skipping rope wipeout and the time it took others to recover from the bouts arm-wrestling (rumoured to run into days), but it was old favourites which provided the most spectacular tumbles. Special mention here to the 100 metres (Tina and James), the piggyback race (Mike and Joyce), and the egg and spoon race (every single one of the eggs).
Other special awards this year were as follows:
- Best prepared competitor – Laura (studded boots)
- Most dysfunctional team photo – Conor and Vicky (three-legged race)
- Technique with most unfortunate similarity to a fascist salute – John (target bean bag)
- Most refined and elegant posture – Bev (egg and spoon)
- Best fashion trendsetters – Tristan (shorts) and Vicky (matching picnic blanket and trousers)
- Most laidback competitor – Rachel “I’d rather have a Pimms thank you” Denholm
- Star competitors – Conor, Dan and Vicky
Whilst these individual moments of triumph should rightly be savoured, the Games were a team event first and foremost, with the winning team to be decided on the number of golds secured. The competition had been neck-and-neck throughout until rain intervened in the mid-afternoon, preventing the last events from being played out. The teams were reluctantly forced into the sanctuary of a nearby pub which, recognising athletic greatness, generously laid on free food while the finely balanced results were totted up using the number of drinks consumed as some kind of abacus.
The final results table showers team Oz in Olympic glory, having narrowly pipped team Monaco into second on Silvers, with Trinidad and Tobago finishing in third:
Monaco “Land of Dreams” – 7 Golds (Arm Wrestling X2, Sack Race, Wheelbarrow, Tug of War, Skipping Rope Race, Piggyback Race), 5 Silvers, 5 Bronze
Oz – 7 Golds (Backward 50mX2, Sack Race, Three-legged race, Skipping Rope Race, 100m, Shot Put), 7 Silvers, 7 Bronze
Trinidad & Tobago – 5 Golds (Egg & Spoon, Leapfrog, Target Bean Bag, 100m, Shot Put) 7 Silvers, 7 Bronze
Well done to all teams, and finally I leave you with this:
Would sir care for dessert?
Blog post courtesy of Mark Ellis
